the nugget :]

day 03.  dear god.

last night i couldnt sleep and instead of calling my boyfriend and crying to him i talked to You.  i was mad.  i felt like hey god i know you have a plan for me but why do you have to be so unkind to me?  i was mad and kinda sad.

you gave me such a challenging life.  everything was always so hard.  you took my daddy when he only started to come around for our family. we were so close.  my relationships were always so hard so complicated so dysfunctional.  then when i thought i finally started to figure out my life i had the stroke that turned my life upside down.

but i thought about it today as i was lying on the mat at at the acupuncturists with 12 three inch needles stuck in me.  you really havent been so unkind.  

whatever your plan is… you didnt let me die.  i can replay that day in so many ways but it still baffles me.  i blacked out on that bathroom floor but i woke up so fast and i knew i had to get outta there.  it took the emt forever to get me to the hospital but i made it. though the drs said i wouldnt make it you made sure i fought and i survived.  in my most painful moment and i thought no one understood i knew somehow that you did.

i think i understand the gift of pain.  throughout this yes im frustrated yes im angry and sad but i am so thankful.  thank you for giving me such a supportive family.  who have given me so much of their own time to help me.  for my friends and sisters who have showed that they will be here for me no matter what.  thank you for my boyfriend. im so grateful for putting him in my life.  it was hard to be with him bc there is just so much trauma and drama but he stayed when i need him the most.  my strength when i couldn’t hold it together.  i never thought he’d stay but he says he loves me and im inclined to believe him.  maybe you put him in my life to help me get through this but im prasying that youll let him stay in my life when i do get btr bc i want to share my happiness with him too one day. i am thankful for so much more but i cant possibly write down everything  my left hand is getting tired.

thank u for giving me the strength to keep on fighting.

i have so much more to say but i guess ill talk to you tonight.

(Source: leilockheart, via leilockheart)

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